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What I See

by julie on September 4th, 2014

So many look at you and see your limitations and your medical fragility. Some want to look but turn away not wanting to appear rude. Others look too long and I refrain from telling them to “Eff off.” To the majority of onlookers, you are a child with disabilities; a “poor little girl” and a “very sad situation.”

Sometimes I wish they could see what I see. I don’t blame them for their limitations because before I got to know you, I, too, saw a baby that was disabled and sick and I could barely see anything else through my angry tears. As time passed, my grand wishes for you dwindled until the only thing that really mattered was that you lived one more day. That was all. The dreams I once had for you were nothing short of miracles: walking, talking, eating orally despite what our seasoned neurologist predicted. But all of those dreams slipped away with the months and then years that passed.

But as the dreams and yearnings vapourized, something even more magical took their place. By letting go of the things I wished you could do and be, I made room for seeing you as you are. As you grew, so did my perceptions of how things should be. In fact, after some time, the word “should” no longer had a place in my vocabulary. Eventually, I no longer compared you to others because I finally saw you for who you were.

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I have the privilege of seeing past all of the things that everyone else can’t help but see. Instead, I see your brilliance which cannot be dimmed by a brain that doesn’t function the way it was intended to. Through your eyes, I connect with your spirit and I know that you ‘get’ so much more than we know. Your body may have you trapped unable to run and dance and skip and twirl, but when I hold you in my arms and you look right into my eyes, I see YOU~ your essence and your pureness and that magnificent light that each one of us embodies.

I no longer have expectations like I used to. We have learned to just go with it; no longer burdened by developmental milestones, shattered dreams, broken hearts. My only wish now is that everyone else could really see you the way I do.

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15 Comments
  1. Joan permalink

    What’s that one about discovery is not in looking for new landscapes, but in having new eyes … probably so we can really see the uniqueness in each of us. Enjoying reading more of your writings again Julie.

  2. Lana permalink

    Oh so beautiful. Once again, tears fall onto my fingers and keyboard. You have explained it so well. She is perfect. I love you.

  3. Katie Keon permalink

    Julie, I wanted to tell you that your an incredible woman and Mom to Meredith. She is 1 lucky young woman to have you. Beautiful through and through, and yea, you brought tears to my eyes as well. <3

  4. Tears here, too. The kids found that old picture of me holding Mer at your old house; she’s yawning hugely and I have the biggest, happiest smile on my face. She is enough exactly as she is. We love her because she is HER. Unique and beautiful.

  5. Johanna Mathieu permalink

    That’s what a mother’s love will do.

  6. Barry permalink

    I so understand what you are saying ! Organizing frosh week @ Algonquin in the early 70’s I reached out to the community on behalf of the Student Council organizing a flight for 50 some handicapped children thru the auspices of Air Canada , McDonald’s and you remember Uncle “Willy & Floyd” from CJOH Ottawa. Few experiences in life have left such a joyfully rewarding memory on my hard drive as that. From the incredible excitement of every single child in flight on a large 4 engine Viscount aircraft over the Gatineau hills to the extreme, screaming excitement of seeing their TV idols Willie and Floyd at their Bright hope school , McDonald’s supplying food and drinks for them. I am sure many of them would remember this today. Sadly then a few of the parents were able to suppress any video or photo’s that the media would have shown the glee and joy that all these kids enjoyed back then. Thank God many of these innocent kids are not hidden away the way they were back then.

  7. Barry permalink

    I so understand what you are saying ! Organizing frosh week @ Algonquin in the early 70’s I reached out to the community on behalf of the Student Council organizing a flight for 50 some handicapped children thru the auspices of Air Canada , McDonald’s and you remember Uncle “Willy & Floyd” from CJOH Ottawa. Few experiences in life have left such a joyfully rewarding memory on my hard drive as that. From the incredible excitement of every single child in flight on a large 4 engine Viscount aircraft over the Gatineau hills to the extreme, screaming excitement of seeing their TV idols Willie and Floyd at their Bright hope school , McDonald’s supplying food and drinks for them. I am sure many of them would remember this today. Sadly then a few of the parents were able to suppress any video or photo’s that the media would have shown the glee and joy that all these kids enjoyed back then. Thank God many of these innocent kids are not hidden away the way they were back then. So forgive me ,if sometimes, I stop and dream back while admiring the beauty of these children, i also love so much. I now have one more thing to ponder as i lovingly view them now.

  8. Ruth Anne Hymas permalink

    We have a beautiful great grandson like the one you describe in your comments. What a blessing to have celestial spirits entrusted to you and the sweet blessings that come into our lives as we love them forever.

  9. Andrea Gumpert permalink

    I am writing this with tears streaming down my face.
    I feel honoured to read these wise words that give me hope. I’m working on getting to that place where “should” is banished… It’s inspiring to see you and the few other “mentors” there. It gives me hope.
    Thank you. Again.

  10. Michelle G permalink

    Just beautiful.

  11. Aunt Marilyn permalink

    So much love poured into your blog! Thank you for your wise word. You are impacting so many lives!

  12. (tears in my eyes)… wonderment. I love you.

  13. Andrea permalink

    So well put! My greatest wish is for everyone to see you the way I do. So beautifully put. My boy is a Unique chromo cuttie. He has the biggest heart and warmest smile ever. He is mobile but he can’t speak well. One word comments mostly. If people can see him the way we do they would realize nothing is too small to be too big.

  14. Claire permalink

    This is exactly how I feel about my precious son xxx

  15. Tracie permalink

    Just beautiful ❤️

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